I CRASHED my old SafeSeat LibNat V8 Deluxe into a ballot box on Saturday.
Why didn't someone tell me the goalposts had been moved?
And what the hell are goalposts doing in my way, anyhow? Let alone these ballot box things.
I blame the car. They must have forgotten to upgrade the software.
The mechanic checked out the airbag. Said I'm fine for at least another election.
I don't normally drive the SafeSeat. The whole point of having a SafeSeat is it just runs on autopilot.
Trouble is, there was some ongoing problem.
Something to do with some independent and minor parties, the AEC mechanic said.
I guess he meant the independent suspension and small parts.
So he woke me up from my nap on the bench seat and I took the wheel.
Shouldn't have done it, I know.
Should just have kept napping like I've done for decades.
So, I topped up the electorate tank, injected a whole lot of liquid cash and fluid promises in an attempt to keep things running smoothly.
And I only crashed because when I swung right, I had to dodge this red-haired pedestrian who just popped up out of nowhere. Although, she did look vaguely familiar.
Once I hit the ballot box, I needed to get out of there fast.
Voters were asking difficult questions.
Some didn't even recognise me. Had never seen me, they said.
I backed myself into a corner then managed to escape to the men's club.
Turns out my neighbour has the same problem with his car, a SafeSeat Lab model.
Exactly the same as mine except his is red, mine's blue and they have different badges.
Oh, and mine emits too much smoke apparently.
His has a whining noise. I can hear it from here, it sounds like "Medicare Gonski".
It's not as bad as the LookingSafer Greens solar hybrid car. It really whines.
And emits this sweet smelling smoke.
Actually, I think it stinks. Of smugness.
But it does seem to be faster, more nimble in traffic and has overtaken a couple of our SafeSeat models.
How dare they rock our boat!
On the subject of things to do with the water, Malcolm, my team leader, isn't in good shape.
He used to be able to walk on water but some Mad Monk punctured the water skis Malcolm stood on.
They weren't visible to most people. Malcolm kept them hidden under the water.
He sank with them. He's on dry ground today and safe. But if it gets any drier, he'll be right out.
So, back to what I came here to talk about.
My beautiful SafeSeat LibNat V8 Deluxe is in the AEC mechanical repairs garage until some time on Tuesday. Or longer.
And then it may be beyond repair for about three years.
It takes that long for parts to arrive since we dismantled the local shipping industry.
I forget how many dollars that saved; I think it was much the same as the cost of a local member at the annual Lobbyist Auction in Canberra.
Now back to those minor parties! How dare they even use that name.
I'm a member of the Miner Party.
We run a fracking plant that's been converting coal and other products into donations for years.
Excellent return on investment.
Great times to be had by us on the public teat as well as keeping my palms nicely oiled so no dirt sticks.
And there's a job for me in the mining world if ever my seat gets damaged.
Gotta go, there's the media wanting me to comment on those democratic idiots who were standing around those ballot boxes on Saturday thinking they had a right to their say.
And some of them exercise the "right" again and again on Twitter and Facebook.
Fools. I'll set them right. - ARM NEWSDESK